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Setting healthy boundaries is a vital skill that protects our identities and self-esteem. Without healthy boundaries, we open the door for others to determine our thoughts, feelings, and needs, losing a sense of self. Strong boundaries give us the confidence to make our own choices without yielding to a sense of sacrifice or obligation.
Lessons about boundaries begin early in life, first with our parents and then with our peers. Adult upset language becomes a child’s self-regulatory voice, which in turn sets the child’s boundaries. Attempting to teach children who they should be, what they should think, and how they should feel creates unhealthy boundaries. In addition, helping children create healthy boundaries requires that we model healthy boundaries ourselves.
Listen in as Master Instructor Jill Molli and her daughter, college freshman Meg Molli, share their experiences with setting healthy boundaries. While Jill has sometimes struggled with healthy boundaries, especially around work, Meg is not easily influenced by outside forces. The mother-daughter duo discusses why this difference exists, how Meg sets effective boundaries, and how Jill has learned to do the same through conscious effort. You’ll also hear tips on how you can set and strengthen your own boundaries.
- Healthy boundaries protect us from manipulation, violation, and being used. They express our values of respect and responsibility, keeping us safe because they allow us to separate who we are and what we think from the thoughts and feelings of others.
- The adult’s upset language becomes the child’s internal self-regulatory voice, which in turn sets the child’s internal boundaries.
- Parenting or teaching that tells a child who they should be, what they should think, and how they should feel creates unhealthy boundaries. Unhealthy boundaries can also stem from fear: fear of abandonment, being judged, losing the relationship, or hurting another’s feelings.
- Keys to healthy boundaries include confidence and the ability to notice, name, and manage your feelings.
- Steps For Tomorrow
- It’s important to be in touch with and own your feelings, or you will try to take on and manage the feelings of others. Practice noticing and naming your feelings. This builds your awareness of what you think, feel, and need.
- Once you can notice and name your feelings, you can regulate your inner speech and calm yourself in moments of upset. This process is helpful in setting boundaries without being overwhelmed by worries or fear of how others will react.
- Reach out to your connection network when you need extra support. Knowing that you need help and asking for it is another form of healthy boundary.
- Seven Powers
- Seven Skills
- Free Resource: I Can Handle-Scared
- Free Resource: When I Feel Bug Crazy Class-Made Book
- Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline
- Home Edition: Feeling Buddies for Families Toolkit
- Classroom Edition: Feeling Buddies Self-Regulation Toolkit
- :30 What is Conscious Discipline?
- 1:05 What are healthy boundaries and why are they important?
- 4:08 Internal and external boundaries
- 7:37 Introduction of special guests Jill and Meg Molli
- 10:20 Jill and Meg’s different approaches to setting boundaries
- 18:36 Confidence as a factor in setting healthy boundaries
- 25:50 Inner speech and healthy boundaries
- 27:40 Naming and taming emotions
- 38:30 Reaching out for support
- 43:16 Recap: Tips for setting healthy boundaries
- 46:25 What’s Becky up to?
- 46:48 What’s Becky celebrating?
Thank You for Listening